How do you respond to someone who asks you a question about your beard? How often do you find yourself defending your God given birthright to complete strangers? Have you ever had someone ask you a stupid question about your beard and thought about the best comeback ever in the history of comebacks, only after everyone has walked away? I hear you brother, me too! Why is it we do not think of this stuff when we need to use it. To me it is infuriating to no avail. Well, not today, (and possibly not anymore). We at The Beard Struggle think that you should be allowed to be a man if you want. We don’t you shave off your beard. Please note, that I am lovingly stroking my beard with vigorous enthusiasm while writing this article. How am I doing this and typing at the same time? It’s complicated.
Warning: some of these answers may offend. These are written with a sense of humor and with the love of beards
Question One: Aren’t beards covered in Poop?
Did you know that your skin is covered in the same bacteria? The human skin is home to a multitude of microbes to include E. coli. Snopes already disproved this in a very fine fashion and shut down the beardless naysayers in an article entitled “Did a Study Find Men's Beards Are Full of Fecal Matter?”. How do we know they are beardless? Because no man with a beard would ever say something that stupid.
Question Two: Isn’t your beard annoying in the summer?
No, manliness is not seasonal! This one pretty much stands on its own doesn’t it? Even better yet, you can remark that “your bead does not make you hot in the Summer, it makes you hot all year long” (tom-kick-crash sequence, please).
Question Three: Why did you grow a beard?
Answer (Yes there are many):
Alright, fire away Jim-bob!
- Well someone has to take up the responsibility of being awesome
- It serves as the fountain of youth. Studies state that beard blocks up to 95% of sun's UV rays, resulting in reducing visible sign of aging
- An average man spends 145 days of his life shaving. Some men spend the same time growing awesomeness
- Because I am a man!
- Because the world is filled with guys, and I wanted to be a man
- Because I am the leader of this outfit (insert favorite grouping term here) and I did not want anyone to get confused
- Because a beard is a gift you give your face
- Because I could shave and get a job or grow a beard and be a boss
- Scientifically speaking, a good beard can protect you from pollen and dust
- So, you could ask me that stupid question (Yeah, I know harsh, however, how many times have you wanted to say something like that?)
- Because it is my birthright!
- Because my bearded face lifts skirts. Whereas, your beardless self, wears skirts
- Because stroking my beard increases concentration, and cognitive ability. (I am feeling very cognitive right now)
- Because I am neither a woman nor a child
- Because I was once beardless like you; then I became a man
- Because I do not pee sitting down, and I do not belong it the ladies room
- Because when I motorboat a woman’s butt cheeks to Barry White she wants a tickle in the front as well. (That one will pretty much ruin anyone)
- Because guys without beards must help breastfeed the baby
Question Four: I don’t know why you don't just shave your beard?
Bro, I would punch you, however, your beard has not grown in yet and I do not hit women and children.
Question Five: That beard makes you look older
No wonder your girlfriend has been looking at me all lustily
Question Six: Didn’t you know that women prefer it clean-shaven?
It’s called a vagina, and most men prefer it clean shaven too!
Question Seven: Were you too lazy to shave?
Yeah, I was exhausted from humping your girl last-night (And the hits keep coming)
Question Eight: Your beard makes you look like a bum!
Your face makes you like a tranny, however, you do not hear us bearded men complaining.
Question Nine: Does your beard ever help get you laid?
I don’t know? Why don’t you ask your girlfriend if she knows?